Pizza Hut can get a rocket into space …
Pizza Hut can get a rocket into space …
…but still can’t find 834 Oak St. in less than 45 minutes
8/10/2000
Story by Skip Intro and Jimmy Marinara of the Parallel Universe Newswire/AlienZoo.com.
“These guys think they’re funny.”
Parallel Universe Newswire - A Pizza Hut logo on the side of a recently space-bound rocket makes interesting food for thought (P. U. N. intended). But this is just the beginning. If Dominos gets into the game, does that mean they will be able to actually get our pizzas there in less than 30 minutes, via rocket, that is? The fun we can have with space program advertising is endless . . .
A sexy space-travelling chick pulls up next to some stud cosmonauts and says, “Excuse me, are those Bugle Boy spacesuits you’re wearing?”
“Why yes, yes they are,” they reply in stereophonic unison.
The Moon might soon sport a Nike logo, projected via high-powered lasers from ground-based sweatshops in Indonesia.
Why drive Saturn, when you can drive Uranus?
Fun with Pizza Hut’s press release
The once proud Russian Space Program now boasts Pizza Hut logos, a mega-company that encourages kids to be interested in space exploration, science, malnutrition, and rickets. The critical payload of the Pizza Hut powered rocket is some thig-a-majig for the ISS and a galactic sized load of cheese sticks and marinara sauce. Pizza Hut also was a major contributor in testing the latest design prototypes of spacesuits. The astronauts ate Pizza Hut pizzas while in the spacesuits, waited 15 minutes, then tested the efficiency of new “quick-release spacesuit-backside evacuation technology”.
The rocket is way behind schedule, forcing the company to make this delivery a free one, as well as offering half-off coupons for the next pizza rocket.
“NASA is delighted that the Pizza Hut sponsored program will focus on space exploration and the International Space Station,” said a NASA spokesperson. “NASA is proud to support Pizza Hut’s educational program because the fatter young people become, the more they will be inspired to pursue careers in scientific and technological fields,” he added.
Pizza Hut believes making great pizza is “rocket science” because it requires constant innovation, futuristic thinking and a dedicated team of highly unattractive people. In fact, in addition to the hundreds of thousands of “food maniacs” (code: fat people) employed by Pizza Hut, there is a team of experts who focus on developing new ways to satisfy customers with innovative crust types, pathogen-laced toppings, and diverse pizza delivery styles, including the “you’re getting warmer” approach.
Pizza Hut announced the innovative space sponsorship in September 1999 as part of its new logo launch and to symbolize the company’s dramatic turnaround and re-imaging campaign, which includes a $500 million investment to contemporize and upgrade Pizza Hut employees around the globe.
In a related story, Viagra hopes to “harden” their image by launching an ad campaign for the next Russian rocket venture to space. OK, no more dick jokes.
Where will it end? If we clone humans, can Tommy Hilfiger tattoo his logo directly on a human-clone ass? Will clones sweat Gatorade colored fluids, like in the commercials? Can scientists find a way to create genetic advertisements, written in the code along with hair color, bone structure, and gender?
“My clone comes complete with Versace eyeballs in seasonal-adapting colors!”
“My clone has an official Victoria’s Secret Pre-Waxed Bikini Line gene.”
“With the “Intel Inside” logo on the back of his neck, this latest clone figures to be a world-class powerhouse in the ESPN-televised Spelling Bee competition circuit.”
“The new redneck clone will have an “Olympia Gold” beer logo genetically engineered to appear on the ever-expanding beer-gut feature, sure to be a hit with mullet aficionados worldwide.”
Soon, corporate sponsorship for Bic, the renowned pen manufacturer, will launch a major plan to “connect the dots” of the constellation Ophiuchus, using, of course, a galactic-sized Bic Pen. The company will project the image during “prime viewing” times, mostly in the Northern Hemisphere during the months Ophiuchus is visible at “normal” hours.
In a related story, a bar fight broke out between astronomers and astrologers over the “13th Zodiac constellation” (Ophiuchus) which F***s up however many years of astrological mojo. The hostile debate started after the third round of Zima, when the astronomers started quizzing the astrologers about where the sun is in early December. The situation turned ugly when the fourth and fifth rounds started to take effect and the astronomers began yelling, “buy a new star-wheel you hippies!”
The astrologers came back with, “Shut up you Capricorns!” citing that Capricorns and Leos this month must deal with relationship troubles and potential shake-ups in the workplace (as they hurled empty Zima bottles at their vociferous intellectual counterparts).
“It was a bloody affair; libation intake was high,” a server indicated. No charges were filed with local law enforcement.