Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Aliens in my barley: What utter baloney

Tuesday, July 11th, 2006

 http://new.edp24.co.uk/assets/images/dynamicfeed/060711Crop.jpgA farmer last night spoke of his anger after his field of barley was “destroyed” by crop circles - and he was assaulted by one of the dozens of sightseers who flocked to see them.

Colin Brister said those who trespassed on farm land to create the strange circular patterns were guilty of criminal damage.

And he predicted that the devastation wrought at his field beside the A47 Norwich-Yarmouth road at Blofield could cost him more than £1,000.

Six distinct circles appeared in the six-acre field. Crop circles have also been found at Martham and Somerton, near Yarmouth.

Mr Brister he tried to remove people who were tramping though his field to get a closer look at the circles and was assaulted by a man who was there with a female partner and a small child.

“It is absolutely hopeless trying to keep people out, and at the end of the day it will be a complete write-off,” said Mr Brister.

“Who will be the loser? Me! It’s time something was done about this.

“It is supposed to be my private property, but they are taking liberties and doing what they like.”

There is worldwide fascination in the phenomenon of crop circles, with many enthusiasts linking them with the paranormal and others insisting they are made naturally by the wind.

They often materialise overnight and have been appearing in significant numbers since the 1970s in Britain and other parts of the world.

But Mr Brister rubbished the suggestion by one visitor to his field that the complex marks could have been left by an unidentified flying object and said a group of people had clearly drawn up the patterns and had flattened the barley during the night.

The field had contained about 15 tonnes of barley, which was contracted to be malted and for which the farmer expected to receive between £80 and £90 a tonne.

The crop circles had damaged much of the crop, and those who flocked to see them caused yet more damage. At times, traffic had been at a standstill on the A47 as crop circle enthusiasts pulled up in their cars and walked on to his land.

Both Mr Brister and his wife had gone into the field to order visitors off.

The assault allegation has been reported to the police.

“There were about eight or 10 people in the field and others were standing there,” said Mr Brister.

“If I had not been there, they would have come in as well.

“This man was there with his wife or partner and four or five-year-old. He said he could do anything because people have the right to roam. I told them it was my field and to get out, and he assaulted me.”

Richard Balls

11 July 2006

The Barney Conspiracy

Friday, May 19th, 2006

A man sits broken, frightened, and violated in a grungy, urban street. Moments ago, his life flashed before his eyes. A gang of bumbling, donut-munching thugs could be heard laughing in the distance.

This man, shamed and beaten, drooped his head in his hands and sobbed. His life was now in the hands of that mob. Helpless, he slumped over and gave himself to the sidewalk, and cried himself to sleep.

This is the story of Lonnie Duxeldorfer. And this is more than just one man’s nightmare - rather, it is a lengthy, double edge sword kind of nightmare for millions of people around the world.

Lonnie was a simple man with a fondness for children and cheeseburgers. In the early days, he worked as a pinsetter and lane-waxer for a bowling alley. During birthday parties, he would set up the bumpers for the “bowling-challenged” kids and parents. Compliment after compliment followed, as parents watched their children gravitate to the fun-loving, ever-jovial Duxeldorfer.

One of those bowling party parents happened to be on the lookout for such a person, to play in an upcoming television promotion for a major fast-food company. So, when opportunity knocked, Lonnie answered.
Before long, he donned the suit, and with it, a new life that would inspire and entertain millions of children around the world.
This is the story of Grimace.

The loveable, goofy laughing, purple blob of McDonald’s fame was an icon for children for years. His crew included Mayor McCheese, Officer Big Mac, the Hamburglar, the Fry Guys, Ronald, and later, the controversial Birdie. The group was tight as any in Hollywood – like a fast food “Rat Pack”. Their gig never got old.

What kid didn’t love Grimace? What’s not to love about that big blob of purple . . . well, whatever he was. He was a star.

But it all ended. It happened so fast, like a train smashing into the side of a mountain tunnel. Then it was gone.

After a photo opportunity for underprivileged kids, Grimace (Lonnie) was walking to his car in full costume. It was standard practice for all the team to remain in full costume, just in case any kids happened to see them as they left a particular venue - that, and they wanted to avoid any unpleasant paparazzi confrontations that might compromise their identities.

This night was like any other night - the Mayor, the Fry Guys and Hamburglar, Ronald (Birdie was in rehab at Betty Ford at this time) - the group headed for their respective limos. Being the kind-hearted soul that he is, Grimace stopped to hug kids and sign autographs, when two of the larger “kids” grabbed him and forced him down the alley behind the building, where several more thugs waited. There was pandemonium. Chaos. Destruction.

Lonnie was left with nothing but his boxer shorts and shattered dreams. The heathens literally tore Grimace from him.

One of the attackers had a distinguished laugh, more like a goofy, “yuk-yuk” sound, as though he had a cold and his nostrils were clogged. Lonnie would never forget the laugh. It has haunted him to this day.

Grimace - BeforeMeanwhile, the Grimace costume remained a mystery. There was no trace of it. Grimace quietly vanished, as well as the rest of the group, save Ronald. Ronald, by that time, was too much of a cultural icon to be removed from the lineup.

The gang of thieves took the Grimace costume back to their evil lair. Not unlike a stolen car, the costume underwent several “cosmetic changes”. The plus-size waistline was taken in, leaving excess material. With that excess material and some crafty welding, a tailpiece was constructed. Further alterations included a larger head (complete with a full set of teeth), front breastplate, and a change in the look of the feet.

After the major alterations came the new paintjob. The breastplate took on a bright green color and the teeth were whitened. The base color was not really changed. The costume actually sat near a window for several weeks and faded in the sunlight from the deeper purple that was Grimace to the pinkish-purple that is Barney.

Grimace - AfterFrom that point on, the dopey laughing thug who stole Grimace’s identity transformed into Barney – and became a star.

Many parents will argue that the “Barney phenomenon” has significantly enhanced the lives of their children. Many others argue that Barneymania has pushed the annoying button far too long, some going so far as to call for the brutal death of Barney - outlined in significant detail on various Websites.

There certainly is no argument of Barney’s mostly positive influence on children - he can’t be faulted for that. Grimace no longer packs the star punch that Barney does. He had his time. Barney is sure to have his, as well. Eventually, kids will get sick of Barney and the next shade of purple monster will come and abduct Barney, alter his costume, and become a star. It seems the cycle will continue.

Once again, the mass media chose to ignore this story, despite the millions of dreadfully unhappy Happy Meal munching children worldwide, who only wanted to know, “Where did Grimace go?”

Fin.

Pizza Hut can get a rocket into space …

Friday, August 11th, 2000

Pizza Hut can get a rocket into space …

…but still can’t find 834 Oak St. in less than 45 minutes

8/10/2000

Story by Skip Intro and Jimmy Marinara of the Parallel Universe Newswire/AlienZoo.com.
“These guys think they’re funny.”

Parallel Universe Newswire - A Pizza Hut logo on the side of a recently space-bound rocket makes interesting food for thought (P. U. N. intended). But this is just the beginning. If Dominos gets into the game, does that mean they will be able to actually get our pizzas there in less than 30 minutes, via rocket, that is? The fun we can have with space program advertising is endless . . .

A sexy space-travelling chick pulls up next to some stud cosmonauts and says, “Excuse me, are those Bugle Boy spacesuits you’re wearing?”

“Why yes, yes they are,” they reply in stereophonic unison.

The Moon might soon sport a Nike logo, projected via high-powered lasers from ground-based sweatshops in Indonesia.

Why drive Saturn, when you can drive Uranus?

Fun with Pizza Hut’s press release

The once proud Russian Space Program now boasts Pizza Hut logos, a mega-company that encourages kids to be interested in space exploration, science, malnutrition, and rickets. The critical payload of the Pizza Hut powered rocket is some thig-a-majig for the ISS and a galactic sized load of cheese sticks and marinara sauce. Pizza Hut also was a major contributor in testing the latest design prototypes of spacesuits. The astronauts ate Pizza Hut pizzas while in the spacesuits, waited 15 minutes, then tested the efficiency of new “quick-release spacesuit-backside evacuation technology”.

The rocket is way behind schedule, forcing the company to make this delivery a free one, as well as offering half-off coupons for the next pizza rocket.

“NASA is delighted that the Pizza Hut sponsored program will focus on space exploration and the International Space Station,” said a NASA spokesperson. “NASA is proud to support Pizza Hut’s educational program because the fatter young people become, the more they will be inspired to pursue careers in scientific and technological fields,” he added.

Pizza Hut believes making great pizza is “rocket science” because it requires constant innovation, futuristic thinking and a dedicated team of highly unattractive people. In fact, in addition to the hundreds of thousands of “food maniacs” (code: fat people) employed by Pizza Hut, there is a team of experts who focus on developing new ways to satisfy customers with innovative crust types, pathogen-laced toppings, and diverse pizza delivery styles, including the “you’re getting warmer” approach.

Pizza Hut announced the innovative space sponsorship in September 1999 as part of its new logo launch and to symbolize the company’s dramatic turnaround and re-imaging campaign, which includes a $500 million investment to contemporize and upgrade Pizza Hut employees around the globe.

In a related story, Viagra hopes to “harden” their image by launching an ad campaign for the next Russian rocket venture to space. OK, no more dick jokes.

Where will it end? If we clone humans, can Tommy Hilfiger tattoo his logo directly on a human-clone ass? Will clones sweat Gatorade colored fluids, like in the commercials? Can scientists find a way to create genetic advertisements, written in the code along with hair color, bone structure, and gender?

“My clone comes complete with Versace eyeballs in seasonal-adapting colors!”

“My clone has an official Victoria’s Secret Pre-Waxed Bikini Line gene.”

“With the “Intel Inside” logo on the back of his neck, this latest clone figures to be a world-class powerhouse in the ESPN-televised Spelling Bee competition circuit.”

“The new redneck clone will have an “Olympia Gold” beer logo genetically engineered to appear on the ever-expanding beer-gut feature, sure to be a hit with mullet aficionados worldwide.”

Soon, corporate sponsorship for Bic, the renowned pen manufacturer, will launch a major plan to “connect the dots” of the constellation Ophiuchus, using, of course, a galactic-sized Bic Pen. The company will project the image during “prime viewing” times, mostly in the Northern Hemisphere during the months Ophiuchus is visible at “normal” hours.

In a related story, a bar fight broke out between astronomers and astrologers over the “13th Zodiac constellation” (Ophiuchus) which F***s up however many years of astrological mojo. The hostile debate started after the third round of Zima, when the astronomers started quizzing the astrologers about where the sun is in early December. The situation turned ugly when the fourth and fifth rounds started to take effect and the astronomers began yelling, “buy a new star-wheel you hippies!”

The astrologers came back with, “Shut up you Capricorns!” citing that Capricorns and Leos this month must deal with relationship troubles and potential shake-ups in the workplace (as they hurled empty Zima bottles at their vociferous intellectual counterparts).

“It was a bloody affair; libation intake was high,” a server indicated. No charges were filed with local law enforcement.

Cydonia Photos Reveal the Face on Mars

Tuesday, August 1st, 2000

Cydonia Photos Reveal the Face on Mars

8/1/2000 (updated 8/1/2003)

Story by Skip Intro and Jimmy Marinara of the Parallel Universe Newswire/AlienZoo.com.
“These guys think they’re funny.”

Parallel Universe Newswire - NASA/JPL uncovered the latest and most significant discovery about the Cydonia region of Mars when a Martian orbiter snapped these pictures of the “face on Mars.”

This confirms, once and for all, that the face is really a face . . . And what a face it is - none other than your bartender, Isaac (from The Love Boat). Originally thought to be the face of Huggy Bear (from Starsky & Hutch), closeup, high-resolution photos revealed Isaac to be the ‘true face on Mars.’

Thirsty? Try Mars

Thursday, June 22nd, 2000

Thirsty? Try Mars

6/22/2000

Written by Wiggz…also known as the AlienZoo prohibitor of dullness.

Current speculation regarding the recent discovery of possible liquid water on Mars suggests that if you happen to be on your way to Jupiter (or other exciting galactic destinations), you might be able to take the off-ramp to Mars and get a refreshing drink of water. Scientists think the water is possibly flowing right now, as the land forms they suspect might have water are relatively “young” compared to the other features on the planet.

The following is a press release from NASA:

In what could turn out to be a landmark discovery in the history of Mars exploration, imaging scientists using data from NASA’s Mars Global Surveyor spacecraft have recently observed features that suggest there may be current sources of liquid water at or near the surface of the red planet.
The new images show the smallest features ever observed from martian orbit — the size of an SUV. NASA scientists compare the features to those left by flash floods on Earth.

“We see features that look like gullies formed by flowing water and the deposits of soil and rocks transported by these flows. The features appear to be so young that they might be forming today. We think we are seeing evidence of a ground water supply, similar to an aquifer,” said Dr. Michael Malin, principal investigator for the Mars Orbiter Camera on the Mars Global Surveyor spacecraft at Malin Space Science Systems (MSSS), San Diego, CA. “These are new landforms that have never been seen before on Mars.”

The findings will be published in the June 30 issue of Science magazine.

“Twenty-eight years ago the Mariner 9 spacecraft found evidence — in the form of channels and valleys — that billions of years ago the planet had water flowing across its surface,” said Dr. Ken Edgett, staff scientist at MSSS and co-author of the paper in Science. “Ever since that time, Mars science has focused on the question, ‘Where did the water go?’ The new pictures from Global Surveyor tell us part of the answer — some of that water went under ground, and quite possibly it’s still there.”

“For two decades scientists have debated whether liquid water might have existed on the surface of Mars just a few billion years ago,” said Dr. Ed Weiler, Associate Administrator for Space Science, NASA Headquarters. “With today’s discovery, we’re no longer talking about a distant time. The debate has moved to present-day Mars. The presence of liquid water on Mars has profound implications for the question of life not only in the past, but perhaps even today. If life ever did develop there, and if it survives to the present time, then these landforms would be great places to look.”

The gullies observed in the images are on cliffs — usually in crater or valley walls — and are made up of a deep channel with a collapsed region at its upper end (an “alcove”) and at the other end an area of accumulated debris (an “apron”) that appears to have been transported down the slope. Relative to the rest of the martian surface, the gullies appear to be extremely young,

meaning they may have formed in the recent past.

“They could be a few million years old, but we cannot rule out that some of them are so recent as to have formed yesterday,” Malin said.

Because the atmospheric pressure at the surface of Mars is about 100 times less than it is at sea level on Earth, liquid water would immediately begin to boil when exposed at the martian surface. Investigators believe that this boiling would be violent and explosive. So how can these gullies form? Malin explained

that the process must involve repeated outbursts of water and debris, similar to flash floods on Earth.

“We’ve come up with a model to explain these features and why the water would flow down the gullies instead of just boiling off the surface. When water evaporates it cools the ground — that would cause the water behind the initial seepage site to freeze. This would result in pressure building up behind an ‘ice dam.’ Ultimately, the dam would break and send a flood down the gully,”

said Edgett.

The occurrence of gullies is quite rare: only a few hundred locations have been seen in the many tens of thousands of places surveyed by the orbiter camera. Most are in the martian southern hemisphere, but a few are in the north.

“What is odd about these gullies is that they occur where you might not expect them — in some of the coldest places on the planet,” Malin indicated. “Nearly all occur between latitudes 30 degrees and 70 degrees, and usually on slopes that get the least amount of sunlight during each martian day.”

If these gullies were on Earth they would be at latitudes roughly between New Orleans, Louisiana, and Point Barrow, Alaska, in the northern hemisphere; and Sydney, Australia, to much of the Antarctic coast in the south.

The water supply is believed to be about 100 to 400 meters (300 to 1300 feet) below the surface, and limited to specific regions across the planet. Each flow that came down each gully may have had a volume of water of, roughly, 2500 cubic meters (about 90,000 cubic feet) — about enough water to sustain 100

average households for a month or fill seven community-sized swimming pools. The process that starts the water flowing remains a mystery, but the team believes it is not the result of volcanic heating.

“I think one of the most interesting and significant aspects of this discovery is what it could mean if human explorers ever go to Mars,” said Malin. “If water is available in substantial volumes in areas other than the poles, it would make it easier for human crews to access and use it — for drinking, to create breathable air, and to extract oxygen and hydrogen for rocket fuel

or to be stored for use in portable energy sources.”

“This latest discovery by the Mars Global Surveyor is a true ‘watershed’–that is, a revolution that pushes the history of water on Mars into the present,” said Dr. Jim Garvin, Mars Program Scientist, NASA Headquarters. “To follow up on this discovery we will continue the search with Mars Global Surveyor and its rich array of remote sensing instruments, and in 2001, NASA will launch a scientific orbiter with a high spatial resolution middle-infrared imaging system that will examine the seepage sites in search of evidence of water-related minerals.

“Furthermore, NASA is in the process of evaluating two options for a 2003 mission to Mars, both of which could provide independent information concerning the remarkable sites identified by Malin and Edgett.”

JPL manages the Mars Global Surveyor Mission for NASA’s Office of Space Science, Washington, DC. Malin Space Science Systems built and operates the camera system. JPL is a division of the California Institute of Technology, Pasadena, CA.

JPL’s industrial partner is Lockheed Martin Astronautics, Denver, CO, which developed and operates the spacecraft.

Evidence of Water on Mars!

Wednesday, June 21st, 2000

Evidence of Water on Mars!

6/21/2000

The AlienZoo News Crew

NASA on Wednesday issued a notice for a press conference, scheduled for Thursday, June 22, regarding evidence suggesting the existence of liquid water on Mars. Scientists discovered the evidence in an area called the Valles Marineris, a 3,700-mile-long canyon comprised of lava, rockslides, and remains of vanished seas.  AlienZoo wants to know: Why was this area called “Valles Marineris” - an obvious reference to a sea? Have scientists been waiting years to “spring” the news on us?The press release is reprinted word-for-word from NASA:NASA will hold a press conference tomorrow, Thursday, June 22, at 11 a.m. EDT, to discuss the recent discovery of evidence of liquid water on Mars using NASA’s Mars Global Surveyor spacecraft, with a paper to be published in the June 30 issue of Science magazine. Because some press reports over the past two days on the subject have been incorrect in significant areas, NASA has arranged to hold the press conference earlier than originally planned so that the Principal Investigators, Drs. Michael Malin and Ken Edgett, can discuss their findings in person. Also, Science Magazine will release the paper at 10 a.m. EDT tomorrow in advance of the press conference. The briefing will be held at the James E. Webb Auditorium at NASA Headquarters, 300 E St., SW, Washington, DC.
Panelists will be:*     Dr. Ed Weiler, Associate Administrator, Office of Space Science, NASA Headquarters, Washington, DC*     Dr. Michael Malin, principal investigator for the Mars Orbiter Camera on the Mars Global Surveyor spacecraft, Malin Space Science Systems (MSSS), San Diego, CA*    Dr. Ken Edgett, staff scientist at MSSS and co-author of the paper in Science*    Dr. Mike Carr, Planetary Geologist, U.S. Geological Survey, Menlo Park, CA*    Dr. Bruce Jakosky, Director, Center for Astrobiology, University of Colorado, Boulder*    Dr. Jim Garvin, Mars Program Scientist, NASA Headquarters, Washington, DC