Please don’t feed the conspiracy!

While it is true that Pink Floyd’s keyboard player/vocalist Richard Wright passed away today, there is no truth to the rumors that he was abducted by aliens. I overheard some human speculation today that suggested some other-worldly beings were looking for a talented, experienced musician to jam with them later this week, so they came down to the AlienZoo and took Richard Wright of Pink Floyd fame - or possibly to reunite him with former Pink Floyd frontman Syd Barrett, who definitely was abducted in the late 1960s and replaced by a working clone of himself (just kidding about that last part).

Anyway, I made some calls to verify that just in case any conspiracy theories about Richard Wright’s death would crop up in the next few days.

I will acknowledge that humans and all of us down here in the AlienZoo lost a true source of inspiration in Richard Wright. When they say that Pink Floyd was “first in space” they had no idea how true that really was.

Please don’t feed the conspiracy!

As I understand the rumors, some humans believe that n’er do well “aliens” are heating up the planet on purpose, turning their earth into crock pot for the purpose of making the universe’s largest pot of stew. It’s as if some of these imaginative humans are expecting giant chopped carrots and other vegetables to rain down from the skies along with a variety of tasty seasonings, at which point a super-sized triangle will sound across the universe, summoning an armada of motherships full of hungry aliens with their forks in hand, ready to feast of the earth like an open buffet.

And boy, oh boy will it be delicious.

OK, enough. Aliens aren’t warming the earth. The AlienZoo Organization couldn’t afford to let that happen. The last time we had a major enviropod malfunction, things went wild with the global climate and it froze out the entire AlienZoo exhibit for a really long time. It was a customer service nightmare with all the refunds and angry vacationers who paid to visit the AlienZoo, but only got to see a huge block of ice and snow. If they wanted to see a huge block of wind-swept ice, they could have just as easily gone to the planet Frundra and saved themselves the hassle. We don’t want to deal with that again - whether it’s the ice or the heat.

Seriously.

Please don’t feed the conspiracy!

The most interesting part of all that “Bigfoot in a freezer” news from a few weeks ago was the DNA test that indicated quite a lot of opossum DNA related to that particular frozen Bigfoot.

Sadly, this event confirms what we feared had happened to “Lucky”, our pet opossum here at AlienZoo. You see, he went missing a few weeks back. But despite thousands of posters we put up all over town that showed a picture of Lucky and the caption asking “Have you seen me?”- it turns out he wasn’t so “Lucky” after all.

Lucky was our beloved pet, but like most opossum, he was a loner and he tended to hang out around busy roads. We think he stowed away on a truck or a train somehow, then traveled across the country and ultimately wound up as many opossum do: road kill. Poor, poor Lucky.

A couple humans found him and stuffed his remains inside “Bigfoot”, which they then stuffed in a freezer. The rest is history.

R. I. P. Lucky.

Please don’t feed the conspiracy!

“Will Probe 4 Food” is certainly a sign of the times. Grey or Human, I suppose we all do what we have to do to survive in this rough economy that seems to be engulfing the entire AlienZoo and rippling throughout the galaxy and across the dimensions.

One day, we’re all going to look back on this and laugh.

In the meantime my human friends, why not commemorate these trying times by doing your part to stimulate the intergalactic economy by purchasing your very own “Will Probe 4 Food” t-shirt from the AlienZoo gift shop.

Really, it’s the least you can do.

Click here to get the “Will Probe 4 Food” T-Shirt from the AlienZoo Gift Shop!

Please don’t feed the conspiracy!

Some government agencies are particularly fond of blacking out “secret” information in documents. What are they hiding?

I think it is safe to say that governments don’t like their “secrets” to get out because the truth may be too shocking.

For example, I was snooping around in the office of a certain high ranking official one day and came across one of those “TOP SECRET” files about UFOs and aliens. It read, “U.S. government intelligence agencies unanimously confirm that they wasted substantial amounts of paper and ink on documents related to investigations regarding the possible existence of extraterrestrial beings on Earth.”

The truth is shocking!

Click here to get the “Top Secret” T-Shirt from the AlienZoo Gift Shop!

Please don’t feed the conspiracy!

In my observation of humans, I’ve often wondered what does it really take to become a human leader? I wanted to find out, so I thought I would run for President of the United States of America. Humans refer to this position as “leader of the free world”, so I thought this would be the best leadership position to experience firsthand.

Some of my fellow agents and I thought it would be a good idea, so we got to work. First, we came up with the campaign slogan: “Why not?” Next, we made some signs for people to put in their front yards, bumper stickers for cars, and buttons for humans to wear. Most importantly, we printed up some shirts to make it official!

If there is one thing that I’ve observed in human behavior, it is the power of your appearance on signs and shirts to gain approval with other humans. If you’re on a shirt, you must be good!

Now get out there and vote!

Click here to get your “Gunther for President” T-Shirt from the AlienZoo Gift Shop!